Romantic 1st lines.and deadly 2nd ones

A local newspaper ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... but the least romantic second line. Here are some of the entries they received.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

Cover up!

An European, Australian and Asian guy went for a hike one day. It was very hot. When they came upon a small lake, they took off all their clothes and jumped into the water, since it was fairly secluded. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their "freedom."

As they were crossing an open area, suddenly a group of ladies from town appeared. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the European and the Australian quickly used their hands to cover their privates.But the Asian covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on. The European and the Australian asked the Asian why he covered his face rather than his privates. The Asian replied, "I don't know about you, but where I come from, it's the face that people recognize."

Competition ;)

During an International conference, three scientists, an American, a German, and an Indian, were talking and bragging about the technological advances their respective countries have achieved in the field of medicine.

The American said "In Washington, there was a baby boy born without arms so we attached artificial arms on him. And now that he's grown up and became a professional boxer and a gold medallist in the Olympics!"

The German replied, "That's nothing compared to what we have achieved. Back in Berlin, there was a baby girl born without legs so we attached a pair of artificial legs on her. Now she is a three-time Olympics marathon gold medallist!"

The Indian interjected, "Is that all you have achieved, just gold medallists? In Patna, Bihar, we had a baby boy born without HEAD! We attached a COCONUT he has grown up and now he is the railway minister of India!!

a lil bit funny..

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home, maybe at work.)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(okay, so that would be a good thing.)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

Leave letters

This is a collection of leave letters and applications written by people in various places of India ...

1. Infosys, Bangalore:
An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."

2. Oracle Bangalore:
From an employee who was performing the "mundane" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."

3. Another gem from CDAC:
Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."

4. H.A.L. Administration dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."

5. One other employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave."

6. An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one day holiday."

7. A leave letter to a Headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache. I request you to leave me today."

8. Another leave letter written to a Headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."

9. Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."

10. One other:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."

11. Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave."

12. Letter writing:
"I am in well here and hope you are also in the same well."


13. A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a 'Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both (!!) for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.



Dont laugh.. these are all original.. collected by Mr. Dipangshu Pal.

One-liners!

1. INFOSYS: Inferior Offline Systems

2. WIPRO: Weak Input, Poor & Rubbish Output

3. HCL: Hidden Costs & Losses

4. TCS: Totally Confusing Solutions

5. C-DOT: Coffee During Office Timings

6. HUGHES: Highly Useless Graduates Hired for Eating and Sleeping

7. BAAN: Beggars Association and Nerds

8. IBM: Implicitly Boring Machines

9. SATYAM: Sad And Tired Yelling Away Madly

10. PARAM: Puzzled And Ridiculous Array of Microprocessors

11. HP: Hen Pecked

12. AT&T: All Troubles & Terrible

13. CMC: Coffee, Meals and Comfort

14. DEC: Drifting & Exhausted Computers

15. BFL: Brainwash First, and Let them go

16. DELL: Deplorable Equipment & Lackluster

17. TISL: Totally Inconsistent Systems Ltd

18. PSI: Peculiar Symptoms of India

19. PCL: Poor Computers Ltd

20. SPARC: Simply Poor And Redundant Computers

21. SUN: Surely Useless Novelties

22. CTS: Coffee, Tea and Snacks

Nice story....

One day a teacher asked her students to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name.

Then she told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down.

It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed in the papers.

That Saturday, the teacher wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and listed what everyone else had said about that individual..

On Monday she gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling.. "Really?" she heard whispered. "I never knew that I meant anything to anyone!" and, "I didn't know others liked me so much," were most of the comments..

No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. She never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn't matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another. That group of students moved on.

Several years later, one of the students was killed in VietNam and his teacher attended the funeral of that special student. She had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. He looked so handsome, so mature.

The church was packed with his friends. One by one those who loved him took a last walk by the coffin. The teacher was the last one to bless the coffin.

As she stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to her. "Were you Mark's math teacher?" he asked. She nodded: "yes." Then he said: "Mark talked about you a lot."

After the funeral, most of Mark's former classmates went together to a luncheon. Mark's mother and father were there, obviously waiting to speak with his teacher.

"We want to show you something," his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket.. "They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it."

Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times.. The teacher knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which she had listed all the good things each of Mark's classmates had said about him.

"Thank you so much for doing that," Mark's mother said. "As you can see, Mark treasured it."

All of Mark's former classmates started to gather around. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, "I still have my list. It's in the top drawer of my desk at home."
Chuck's wife said, "Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album."

"I have mine too," Marilyn said. "It's in my diary."

Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. "I carry this with me at all times," Vicki said and without batting an eyelash, she continued: "I think we all saved our lists."

That's when the teacher finally sat down and cried. She cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again..

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don't know when that one day will be.

So please, tell the people you love and care for, that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

And One Way To Accomplish This Is: Forward this message on. If you do not send it, you will have, once again passed up the wonderful opportunity to do something nice and beautiful.

If you've received this, it is because someone cares for you and it means there is probably at least someone for whom you care.

If you're "too busy" to take those few minutes right now to forward this message on, would this be the VERY first time you didn't do that little thing that would make a difference in your relationships?

The more people that you send this to, the better you'll be at reaching out to those you care about.

Remember, you reap what you sow. What you put into the lives of others comes back into your own.

May Your Day Be Blessed As Special As You Are!

For all Sourav Ganguly lovers :) ..can't stand Kiran More?? Read ahead!

Amaar naam KIRON MORE
Selector hoyechhi politix kore
Khachhi ekhon haaramer doodh apple
Songey chudir bhai GREG CHAPPEL
Khub besi ami khelini test
Taar bodoley niyechhi rest
Average niye bolona kotha
Pondey amaar lagbey byatha
Chole jachhey sob cricket preeti
Cricket-eo hobey raajneeti
Jaani ami khanki'r bachha
Tobe raajneeti ta korechi achha
Jaani ami harami'r chhele
Bhabchhen amay kelaben pele
Jotoi din gaalagaali dhele
Godi chhaarbena ei haramjaada chhele
Baaki selector gulo to amaar-i moto
Orai ba test khelechhe koto
Jaani amaay keu bhalobashena
Kintu godi gele to aar ashena
Jotoi apnaara laathi maarun jorey
Goditey thaakbo raajneeti korey
Jaani abar phirbey DADA
Mukhey amaar laagabey kaada
Run DADA koruk joto
Politix ami korbo toto
Rotone roton thik chene
Shuore ghorey KOCHUR pichhone
Ami holam sei Shuore
Amaar naam KIRON MORE
PABENA CHUTIYA AMAAR MOTO
SAARA WORLD-E KHOJOI JOTO
TAI SHOBAI MILE BOLO EKBAR JORE
RENDI'R CHHELE KIRON MORE!!!

Curtain rods..

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and
would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
.......including the curtain rods.

Heres one I got from the US

Prince Charles was driving up to meet his mother when he hears a loud Yip and he screeches to a halt and gets out. He sees that her Majesty's dog, a corgi, lying crushed under the rear wheel. He tries his best to revive the dog but it was too badly crushed and soon it died.

Devastated he slumps under a tree wondering that life has dealt him another mean low blow.

Just then, he sees this old lamp lying under the leaves and listlessly lifts it and give it a moody rub.

Out pops a genie that says, "Thanks, oh master! I can grant you any wish". Not believing his luck the Prince tells the genie about the corgi and begs him to restore him for his mother's sake.

True to his command the genie gets to work and after an hour of struggling with all his powers, turns to Charles and gasps sorry, oh Prince! I have failed. Are you sure?? the Prince asks. Yeah that's it, its beyond me. But wait I must do something for you before I go. Ask me anything else, anything at all.

Resigned Charles pulls out a picture of Camilla and tells the genie. "As everyone knows I was once married to the beautiful Diana who passed away.. now I am about to get married to this woman who I love. Oh genie can you make her look as beautiful as Diana. Or at least passable?

The genie takes a good look at the picture for long while and says "OK, lets have a look at that dog again!!!"

This is cool..

This is pretty neat.DON'T CHEAT BY READING DOWN FIRST!

step by step:
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1756 .... If you haven't, add 1755.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.




ans:
You should have a three digit number

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).

The next two numbers are : YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)

THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS!!

An Elephant meets an Ant!!

On Introduction:

Ant : Haathi tumhari umar kitni hai?

Elephant: Paanch Saal !!!

Ant : Paanch Saal aur itnay bade !!!

Elephant: I AM A COMPLAN BOY .

Elephant: Cheenti tumhari umar kitni hai ?

Ant: Tees Saal.

Elephant: Tees Saal aur itni chhoti?!

Ant: Haan .... I AM A SANTOOR GIRL.... MERI TWACHA SEY
MERI UMAR KA PATA HI NAHI CHALTA !

Amitabh : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke leye yeh raha apke samne..

Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan

ON Computer Screen:
A. Amitabh Bacchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav
C. Azaruddin D. General Perverz Musharaff .

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? (He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A)

But Santa is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..50:50 and phone a friend.
Santa: I think it is A, but am not sure.
Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm ap kya karna chahenge?
Santa : I would like to use 50:50?
Amitabh: Ok computer, 2 galat javabo ko mita de..

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -
B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. Moh. Azharuddin.

Amitabh is confused and tensed.. thinks how come the computer has made this mistake. But as is said in bollywood the show must go on.

Now Santa is confused.
Santa: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..
Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?
Santa : "Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...."

Amitabh Fainted !!!!!

The call is now connected to Jayabachan and listen ......
Santa asked the question to Jaya.

Santa : "Jayaji , Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan?"
Jaya Bachan: Give me the options!!!!!!

A teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her!

A man asked Sardarji, why Manmohan Singh goes walking at evening and not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM."

Sardarji visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last words. It was 'You are STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing. He said - I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Why did Sardarji cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess what... ---To avoid side effect!!!

Man: Sardarji where were you born?
Sardarji: Punjab.
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part fart kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab."

IN COURT during a case:
Lawyer to Sardar: Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke .....
Sardar: yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab kehte ho gita pe haath rakho.....

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

A Sardar was drawing money from ATM, The Sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****).
The first Sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! You are wrong.. it's 1258.

Q:) How do you recognize a Sardar in school or college???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how much he has slept........

Santa Singh MBBS. After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

A Sardar invested 2 lakhs in a business and suffered huge loss. Do u know what the business was?
....he had opened a saloon in Punjab!

A Sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth... Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"

One Sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. Do you know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking..

Sardarji told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardarji: So what take an umbrella and go.

Sardarji found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first!

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Postman: I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver you this..
PacketSardarji: Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it..

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll you divide, you've 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR!

Sardar's wish: When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving..

COMMUNITY SERVICE

There is this good old barber in some city in the US. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service. "The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
An Indian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Indian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...
Can you guess?



...think like an Indian....



a dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut!
(Because he would forward the message to all).

enjoy!

A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door! As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

The New Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental, decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention!!
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!.

Twelve Pound Nugget of Gold

A Husband and Wife, both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown, who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter: How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just for about ten months.
Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quite so...
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown: Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter: At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter: Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was...
Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown: I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.
Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him...
Reporter: When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter: Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).

P.S.: The reporter had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

..more telegrams

TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well, he thinks for a while and says: Let's put, "you are not getting older, you are getting better". The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: "You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".


TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written: 'Sethji aaj mar gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye).

TELEGRAMS

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED." :O

TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you were her." =O))

TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to the railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady." :))

INZY!!!

For all the cricket lovers:

INZAMAM - a person though not well versed in the English language - always felt confident facing the English press. He was certain that all press Reporters would always ask the same first question, and never felt the need to improve on it. Things turned out to be different however, on one post match conference that Inzy attended after PAKISTAN won the match. Read on....

COMMENTATOR: So INZI congratulations, your wife is pregnant for the 2nd time!!
INZAMAM: Sabse Pahle Bismilla allah rahim! Insha Allah all credit goes to the boyz. Everyone worked hard for it especially Afridi; without his strokes it wouldn't have been possible. Also Bob Woolmer kept a close watch on the progress. Overall it was team effort.
COMMENTATOR: Sorry????!!!!!
INZAMAM: "Egactly!!!"

The Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
You'll love this,

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!!

Son of Bengal vs A Bengal Tiger

Radha abs: ..this is very bangali!

Through the jongole I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Bugger Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But am not feared these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jump with start
But noise is coming from damn fool heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - "Bholanath be brave"
I am now proceed with too much care
From nonsense smell this Tiger's lair
My leg is shake, I start to pray
I think I shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to go
But Tiger giving bloody roar
He bounding from cave like shooting star
I commend my soul to Kali Ma
Through the jongole I am went
Like bullet with Tiger hot on scent
I am a telling that never in life
I will risk again for damn fool wife

Diary Entries..

- HER DIARY

Day night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV, he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


- HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT!!

Male Bashing!!

For women who need a laugh ..and men who can handle it!


Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: I) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes? "
"Mrs. Ward,please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the MedicalTesting Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs.Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."