Amitabh : Apka 13th question 25 lakh ke leye yeh raha apke samne..

Contestant Santa Singh is tensed.

Amitabh : Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan

ON Computer Screen:
A. Amitabh Bacchan B. Laloo Prasad Yadav
C. Azaruddin D. General Perverz Musharaff .

Amitabh : Apka kya jawab hai ? (He is quite sure that Santa will opt for A)

But Santa is still confused.

Amitabh : Apke pas do life line hai..50:50 and phone a friend.
Santa: I think it is A, but am not sure.
Amitabh : Not sure... Hmmm ap kya karna chahenge?
Santa : I would like to use 50:50?
Amitabh: Ok computer, 2 galat javabo ko mita de..

Computer after deleting two names, leaves two options which are: -
B. Laloo Prasad Yadav.
C. Moh. Azharuddin.

Amitabh is confused and tensed.. thinks how come the computer has made this mistake. But as is said in bollywood the show must go on.

Now Santa is confused.
Santa: I would like to use the last life line phone a friend..
Amitabh : Ap kisko phone karna chahenge?
Santa : "Mein Jaya Bachan ji ko phone karna chahoonga...."

Amitabh Fainted !!!!!

The call is now connected to Jayabachan and listen ......
Santa asked the question to Jaya.

Santa : "Jayaji , Who is the father of Abhishek Bacchan?"
Jaya Bachan: Give me the options!!!!!!

A teacher lecturing on population - In India after every 10 sec a woman gives birth to a kid. A Sardar stands up - we must find & stop her!

A man asked Sardarji, why Manmohan Singh goes walking at evening and not in the morning. Sardarji replied "Arey bhai Manmohan is PM not AM."

Sardarji visits Chinese friend dying in hospital. The Chinese friend just says "CHIN YU YAN" and dies. Sardarji goes to China to find the meaning of his friend's last words. It was 'You are STANDNG ON the OXYGEN TUBE!"

Sardarji was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing. He said - I am seeing how I look while sleeping.

Why did Sardarji cut the sides of the capsule before taking it? Guess what... ---To avoid side effect!!!

Man: Sardarji where were you born?
Sardarji: Punjab.
Man: Which part?
Sardar: Oye part fart kya kar raha hai, whole body is born in punjab."

IN COURT during a case:
Lawyer to Sardar: Gita pe haath rakhkar kaho ke .....
Sardar: yeh kya, Sita pe haath lagaya to court me bulaiya. ab kehte ho gita pe haath rakho.....

Sardar: For the past one week a girl is disturbing me. I don't know how she got my no, She interrupts whenever I call someone and says "please recharge your card"

A Sardar was drawing money from ATM, The Sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks (****).
The first Sardar replies, Ha! Ha! Haaa! You are wrong.. it's 1258.

Q:) How do you recognize a Sardar in school or college???
A:) They are the ones who erase their notebooks when the teacher erases the blackboard... BOLO tarara!!

Q:) Why did the sardarji sleep with a scale?
A:) Because he wanted to measure how much he has slept........

Santa Singh MBBS. After finishing his MBBS, Dr. Santa Singh starts his own practice. He checked his first patient's Eyes, then the Tongue, and finally the Ears using a torch.
Finally he said Battery is Ok !!!

A Sardar invested 2 lakhs in a business and suffered huge loss. Do u know what the business was?
....he had opened a saloon in Punjab!

A Sardarji photographer is focusing a dead body's face in a funeral function, suddenly all dead persons relatives beat him. why?
He said "SMILE PLEASE"

Sardarji gets ready, wears tie, coat, goes out, climbs tree, and sits on the branch regularly. A man asks why he does this. Sardarji: "I've been promoted as branch manager."

Why is a Sardarji standing below a tube light with an open mouth... Because his doctor advised him "Today's dinner should be light"

One Sardarji professor asked a plumber to come to his college. Do you know why?
Because he wanted to check where the question paper is leaking..

Sardarji told his servant: Go and water the plants.
Servant: It's already raining.
Sardarji: So what take an umbrella and go.

Sardarji found the answer to the most difficult question ever - What will come first, Chicken or egg?
O Yaar, what ever u order first will come first!

A teacher told all students in a class to write an essay on a cricket match. All were busy writing except one Sardarji. He wrote "DUE TO RAIN, NO MATCH!"

Postman: I Have To Come 5 Miles to Deliver you this..
PacketSardarji: Why did u come so far. Instead u could have posted it..

A Sardar & his wife filed an application for Divorce.
Judge asked: How'll you divide, you've 3 children?
Sardar replied: Ok! We'll apply NEXT YEAR!

Sardar's wish: When I die, I wanna die like my grandpa who died peacefully in his sleep not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving..

COMMUNITY SERVICE

There is this good old barber in some city in the US. One day a Florist goes to him for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
A policeman goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service. "The cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning the barber goes to open his shop; there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
An Indian software engineer goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber after the cut. But the barber replies: "I am sorry. I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service." The Indian software engineer is happy and leaves. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there...
Can you guess?



...think like an Indian....



a dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut!
(Because he would forward the message to all).

enjoy!

A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor,a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door! As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.

Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls. As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work, you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

The New Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.

Now A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps car-d-iac?
D is for dental, decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention!!
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it low;
I for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L is for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescription's, I have quite a few, just give me a pill and I'll be good as new!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--in my mind.

I've survived all the symptoms, my body's deployed,
And I've kept twenty-six 'doctors' fully employed!!!.

Twelve Pound Nugget of Gold

A Husband and Wife, both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown, who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold. The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter: Does Mr. Brown Live here?
Mrs. Brown: Oh! Yes.
Reporter: Is he in?
Mrs. Brown: Why no, he went somewhere.
Reporter: Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.
Reporter: Can I see the place where he found it?
Mrs. Brown: I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.
Reporter: Is the place far?
Mrs. Brown: No, it is quite near and convenient.
Reporter: How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?
Mrs. Brown: Just for about ten months.
Reporter: Is the hole deep?
Mrs. Brown: Quite so...
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?
Mrs. Brown: Not yet, but he is coming near...
Reporter: At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?
Mrs. Brown: Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.
Reporter: Does he work hard on it?
Mrs. Brown: You bet...........and how he perspires.
Reporter: Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?
Mrs. Brown: He thought he was...
Reporter: How do you know there was someone ahead of him?
Mrs. Brown: I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.
Reporter: Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?
Mrs. Brown: No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent.
Reporter: Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, I work under him...
Reporter: When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?
Mrs. Brown: I think not because he enjoys working on it.
Reporter: Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?
Mrs. Brown: Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy).

P.S.: The reporter had to be taken to the hospital in an ambulance.

..more telegrams

TELEGRAM #4
A man wants to celebrate his wife's Birthday by throwing a party. So he goes to order a birthday cake. The salesman asks him what message he wants to put on the cake. Well, he thinks for a while and says: Let's put, "you are not getting older, you are getting better". The salesman asks, "How do you want me to put it?" The man says, Well put "You are not getting older", at the top and "You are getting better" at the bottom. The real fun didn't start until the cake was opened and the entire party watched the message decorated on the cake: "You are not getting older at the top, you are getting better at the bottom".


TELEGRAM #5
A man from Agra went to Ajmer. His wife was in her parent's house in Delhi. When the man went to Ajmer, he asked his servant to send a telegram to his wife indicating about his trip to Ajmer. He sent a telegram. When the wife received the telegram, she fainted. It was written: 'Sethji aaj mar gaye! (Sethji Ajmer gaye).

TELEGRAMS

TELEGRAM #1
A daughter sends a telegram to her father on her clearing B.Ed exams, which the father receives as: "Father, your daughter has been successful in BED." :O

TELEGRAM #2
A husband, while he is on a business trip to a hill station sends a telegram to his wife: "I wish you were here." The message received by wife: "I wish you were her." =O))

TELEGRAM #3
A wife with near maturing pregnancy goes to the railway station to return to her husband. At the reservation counter, while her turn came, it was the last ticket. Taking pity on a very old lady next to her in the queue, she offered her berth to the old lady and sent a telegram to her husband which reached as: "Shall be coming tomorrow, heavy rush in the train, gave birth to an old lady." :))

INZY!!!

For all the cricket lovers:

INZAMAM - a person though not well versed in the English language - always felt confident facing the English press. He was certain that all press Reporters would always ask the same first question, and never felt the need to improve on it. Things turned out to be different however, on one post match conference that Inzy attended after PAKISTAN won the match. Read on....

COMMENTATOR: So INZI congratulations, your wife is pregnant for the 2nd time!!
INZAMAM: Sabse Pahle Bismilla allah rahim! Insha Allah all credit goes to the boyz. Everyone worked hard for it especially Afridi; without his strokes it wouldn't have been possible. Also Bob Woolmer kept a close watch on the progress. Overall it was team effort.
COMMENTATOR: Sorry????!!!!!
INZAMAM: "Egactly!!!"

The Blonde Painter

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said....
You'll love this,

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS!!

Son of Bengal vs A Bengal Tiger

Radha abs: ..this is very bangali!

Through the jongole I am went
On shooting Tiger I am bent
Bugger Tiger has eaten wife
No doubt I will avenge poor darling's life
Too much quiet, snakes and leeches
But am not feared these sons of beeches
Hearing loud noise I am jump with start
But noise is coming from damn fool heart
Taking care not to be fright
I am clutching rifle with eye to sight
Should Tiger come I will fall him down
Then like hero return to native town
Then through trees I am espying one cave
I am telling self - "Bholanath be brave"
I am now proceed with too much care
From nonsense smell this Tiger's lair
My leg is shake, I start to pray
I think I shoot Tiger some other day
Turning round I am going to go
But Tiger giving bloody roar
He bounding from cave like shooting star
I commend my soul to Kali Ma
Through the jongole I am went
Like bullet with Tiger hot on scent
I am a telling that never in life
I will risk again for damn fool wife

Diary Entries..

- HER DIARY

Day night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent.

I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV, he seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep.

I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.


- HIS DIARY

Today India lost the cricket match. DAMN IT!!

Male Bashing!!

For women who need a laugh ..and men who can handle it!


Q: What is the difference between men and puppies?
A: Puppies grow up.

Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
A: Because they are...

Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever.

Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first?
A: Who cares?????.....

Q: What did God say after he created man?
A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
A: I) no mind ii) no business

Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink...

Q: What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no intention of driving.

Q: What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A: Exchange him!!

Q: Why do men like smart women?
A: Opposites attract.

The phone rings. The lady of the house answers, "Yes? "
"Mrs. Ward,please."
"Speaking"
"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the MedicalTesting Laboratory. When your Doctor sent your husband's samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks.
"Well, one Mr. Ward has tested positive for Alzheimer's disease (related to memory) and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which your husband's is"
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questions Mrs.Ward.
"Normally, yes. But Medicare won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."